few things are needed

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i've been thinking a lot lately about the story in the Bible about mary and martha. (luke 10: 38-42) the story goes that the sisters opened up their home to Jesus as he was traveling. one sister, mary, sat at the feet of Jesus and simply basked in his presence. as he talked and shared, she listened with rapt attention.

the other sister, martha, is what i picture as a chicken with her head cut off. the passage tells us she was "distracted by all the preparations that had to be made." she ran here and there making sure everything was in its place. i can't say i blame her. if i were in her shoes, i think i'd be just a frantic to make sure everything was prepared, clean, organized.

the passage continues with martha finally coming to a point of exasperation. she complains to Jesus that her sister has done nothing to help her and that she has been the one pulling everything together while mary simply sits in his presence. Jesus calls to her by name, "martha, martha". he tells her that she is worried and upset about many things but only one thing really matters. he points out that what her sister is doing-resting in His presence-is far more important than the to-do's that she is consumed with.

this passage became very real to me a few weeks ago as i related exactly to martha. i had been in this frustrated rut at work trying to figure out the balance between people vs. my tasks. it seemed that i couldn't get a single thing done without getting interrupted by someone or something. i was short with co-workers, i was hurried with patients, i was agitated with myself. i kept trying to give it over to the Lord but not even an hour into my workdays, i found myself back in my black hole.

one day, in the midst of the phone ringing and patients checking in and out, i noticed that a co-worker was standing at the front desk having a conversation with a friend. immediately i was annoyed. here i was running around trying to get everything done and my co-worker was more focused on an unnecessary conversation. i rushed by her in irritation hoping she might take notice of my exasperation and rush to my aide. she continued talking.

later that same day i was driving home from work, going over the events from the day. in what i have been referring to as my "epiphany moment" the story of mary and martha entered my mind. it doesn't happen very often that i relate so closely and completely to a passage of Scripture, but in this moment, that's exactly what happened. i was martha. it was scary obvious. my attitude, my actions, my exasperation were all exactly the same as hers.

my frustrations over the previous weeks had been stemming from my ill-aligned priorities. i was placing projects over people. i was focusing on the task and excusing the people in front of me with the wave of a hand. "can't you see i'm busy here?" "don't you see that i have a million things to do and being present with you is not one of them?" i cringe as i think about my actions. here i am trying to live as a witness in my workplace, and i am not accepting the opportunities for conversation and relationship when they so frequently present themselves.

since the Lord so clearly brought this to my attention, He has been helping me on a daily basis to place people at the top of my to-do list. some days it is still a struggle. some days i have a pile of papers on my desk that i just want to whittle down. but i remind myself of the two sisters and i know which one i want to be.

thank you to my co-workers who have put up with me when i've been at my worst. and thank you especially to my dear co-worker who took time to have a conversation with a friend during a busy moment.

evolving in monkey town

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welcome to the last installment of the christmas books posts. you can read about my first book here and my second book here.

evolving in monkey town by rachel held evans

one of the beautiful things about my faith (christianity) is that it gives me room to doubt. when this realization came to me, instead of making me feel discouraged, it did quite the opposite. it gave me wings. i have a faith that is big and wide and deep. it allows me to ask questions. it gives me opportunities for growth. i ask "why?" and scratch my head. sometimes, i find an answer that satisfies my curious mind. sometimes, i have to let my question sit and remain unanswered for a time.

this used to bother me. i thought i had to have all the answers or it proved that i wasn't strong enough in my convictions. but over the last couple of years (and specifically last year), i have started to embrace these questions as a way of bolstering my faith.

i wrote about how my personal faith and doubt mix and marry here. it's one of my favorite posts perhaps because it's one of the most honest posts i've written. (just so you know, being vulnerable and honest is really hard for me. it's much easier to write about my favorite flavor of ice cream or a cute puppy i saw but also less rewarding. every now and then i actually open up and share my heart. it's scary but really necessary).

i have been reading rachel held evans' blog for a while now. she is a self-proclaimed "skeptic, a creative, and a follower of Jesus, figuring out this journey of faith one shaky step at a time." i can relate. why don't you deal me in.

her writing is thoughtful, intelligent, and insightful. she is honest and funny. she features a wide variety of posts, articles and interviews from people of different faiths, political affiliations, sexual orientations, educational backgrounds, and religious denominations. she asks questions that many believers may be afraid to ask, but she doesn't stop there. she explores the answers, deeply.

evolving in monkey town documents the story of how she went from a someone with all the answers to someone with all the questions. it is specifically about how her faith changed and evolved, and i am very interested and excited to read her story. i have a feeling i'll relate to a good portion of her experiences. if you want to watch a short trailer of her book, head here.

i could go on and on about this topic in general, but instead i'll leave you with some jack johnson lyrics because i love him and love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart. (see what i did there?)

"and there were so many fewer questions when stars were still just the holes to heaven." -holes to heaven

my faith is bigger than my doubt (but i still have doubt)

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i was sitting in a new church yesterday. a church with hard backed pews and hymnals. the pastor wore a robe. there were no catchy video intros. no drums or electric guitar. no skinny jeans. it was traditional, reminiscent of my childhood, and it felt refreshing.

my bible was sitting in my lap open to the book of john. i was skimming the words as the pastor spoke them aloud when my eyes glanced to the opposite page. there was a small devotional written by a lady named debra klingsporn. i became absorbed in these words and tuned out everything else going on around me.

"sitting on my bookshelf is a book published several years ago called the myth of certainty. the title alone catches my eye and speaks to me with a ring of truth. how i long for a world of black and white, good and bad, yes and no; a world of clear-cut distinctions and effortless decisions because the good and bad can be easily identified. no blurring rationalizations. no complicating considerations. 

but clear-cut distinctions and effortless choices aren't true to my experience of life. between black and white are shades of gray. between good and bad are confusing questions. between yes and no is a strong maybe. 

the fact of the matter is, no matter how black and white and absolute some defenders of the faith portray the gospel, i simply can't buy that line. my experience and the experience of the people of faith throughout the centuries, is one of a God who meets us in the questions, who honors our seeking, and who created us to be intelligent beings. when it comes to our faith, if we're looking for proof and certainty, we won't find it. 

living at the heart of faith is living with uncertainty, trusting in the unseen. somewhere along the way, we have to leap the chasm between that which we know absolutely and that which calls us from within. yet even in our uncertainty, we walk in the presence of the holy. 

God is far more interested in our honesty than our piety. we have only to offer him a willing heart and truthful spirit and he'll take it from there, meeting us in the chasm as we make the leap."

if you're doubting, you're not alone. if you have questions, so do i. i do know that i am loved by God. i know that i have purpose. but i also have more unanswered thoughts than concrete answers. 

it seems that it would be nice to have my theology and thoughts of the divine to be laid out like silverware on a table-straight, perfect, polished. but i think it's better that my questions and answers are actually arranged in a bit of disarray, changing this way then that as i learn something new. if i never had questions, how would i learn? become stronger? how would i challenge myself and others?

i have been that person who is content with not diving deeper. with accepting things with a nod and a smile. and, at times, i still am. having everything figured out is not my goal. but there is beautiful growth that comes from asking "why?" and there is beauty when you see something from a perspective that you never had before. i've been learning this a lot lately. it's scary, exciting, uneasy, grounding. 

i am reminded of lyrics by one of my favorite artists. 

'cause grey is not a compromise -
it is the bridge between two sides.
the shores on which our stubborn land
and restless seas collide.
grey is not just middle ground,
it is a truce that waits to be signed.
i would even argue that, from where we stand,
it most represents the color of God's eyes.

-101010 by sleeping at last

don't be afraid to ask questions. don't be afraid to learn something new or refine the way you once thought about something. be willing to hear someone out. consider that there is more gray than you may realize. trust. pray. love. 

because i couldn't say it better myself

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i just read this post on thoughts by natalie, and i had to share with you all. i would botch it up big time if i tried to paraphrase it, so here it is straight from her blog.

. . .

Though for the majority of my life I've been a sunrise kind of girl, lately I've come to appreciate what I like to refer to as the transcendent hour. Every afternoon when I take Maggie out for her second outing of the day, I aim to time it just right so that I catch the miraculous moments when heaven feels just that much closer. The sun seems to be on fire in every shade of red, orange and yellow imaginable. The clouds take on new life, painted with purples and pinks.

In these moments, I feel alive in a way that I've never experienced. In that setting sun, peeking through trees and glistening over the Pacific, and dusting everything it touches with deep golden light, I see beauty deeper than I've ever been able to attain or understand. When I see this breathtaking sight, I feel the way Ann Voskamp describes in these excerpts from "One Thousand Gifts"...

I want to see beauty. In the ugly, in the sink, in the suffering, in the daily, in all the days before I die, the moments before I sleep. Isn’t beauty what we yearn to burn with before we die? What else so ignites, hot flame? Beauty is all that is glory and God is Beauty embodied, glory manifested. This is what I crave: I hunger for Beauty. Is that why I must keep up the hunt? When I cease the beauty hunt, is that why I begin to starve, waste away?

.....

Like an addiction, a compulsion that can’t stop its seeking, do I always want to see more beauty—more of the glory of God? Because that is what I am made for—to give Him more glory.

.....

Beauty requires no justification, no explanation; it simply is and transcends. See beauty and we know it in the marrow, even if we have no words for it: Someone is behind it, in it. Beauty Himself completes.

.....

What is this that I feel sitting here, coursing through me relentless, hot, ardent? I have to seek God beauty. Because isn’t my internal circuitry wired to seek out something worthy of worship? Every moment I live, I live bowed to something. And if I don’t see God, I’ll bow down before something else.

.....

Is worship why I’ve run for the moon? Not for lunar worship, but for True Beauty worship, worship of Creator Beauty Himself. God is present in all the moments, but I do not deify the wind in the pines, the snow falling on hemlocks, the moon over harvested wheat. Pantheism, seeing the natural world as divine, is a very different thing than seeing divine God present in all things. I know it here kneeling, the twilight so still: nature is not God but God revealing the weight of Himself, all His glory, through the looking glass of nature.

Wow. Writing out her words, I am just hit to the core. When I read them over, again and again as I do, I can't help but think, "YES! I'm with you, sister!" I crave beauty, hunt for it, yearn for it. It literally consumes my mind sometimes—though admittedly not always for good. I can sometimes let my desire for God Beauty be falsely satisfied through my pursuit of self-beauty. It never fulfills the way God's real beauty does—the way that sunset gives me the teensiest glimpse of the beauty I'll see one day when I meet my Maker.

. . . 

anyone else relate? this is my favorite part: 

"Beauty requires no justification, no explanation; it simply is and transcends. See beauty and we know it in the marrow, even if we have no words for it: Someone is behind it, in it. Beauty Himself completes."

God created some things for no practical purpose except to be beautiful, to show off His creativity. i look at the ocean and daybreak and am wowed. i drive down a tree lined street in the autumn season, and the golds and oranges and reds create and covering above me. i walk past a honeysuckle bush, and the sweet scent makes me take a moment to smell in deeply. the beauty stops me to say thank you. 

sometimes i feel silly by my fascination with the beautiful, the pretty. i feel like i should not be so moved by the way sunlight enters through the window and hits the floor like gold. i feel like i should be sitting somewhere with my head in a book reading about religion and society. but that's not really what motivates me to worship. i am moved to worship the Creator when i appreciate his creation. 

straight from the heart

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scene from this morning

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we are a people with a future-not spiritual nomads or wanderers, but a people of purpose and destiny. the past is over. the future stretches out before us full of promise and possibility.

we are a changed people-new people. not avoiding decisions that must be made, nor running from responsibility because of the mistakes and failures in our past, we look toward a future based on a newness of heart created in us by God. 

no longer haunted by the past, we are free to choose-to make new commitments and follow new direction. in our freedom we set new standards and find new strength by which to live. 

we have called upon our merciful God, repented, and begun to have the hope of a new heart and a new start-the beginning of a total renewal. 

what a relief! to know that we have a God who forgives-to know that we have a God who understands, and who can heal and help us. He will teach us His ways; He will make us more like Himself; He will lead us in the right direction.

free to capture the vision of His majesty. to seize the significance of our salvation. to catch a glimpse of His beauty and the reality of our redemption. 

we are renewed. 

-neva coyle

not home yet

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i meet many faithful christians who, in spite of their faith, are deeply disappointed in how their lives have turned out. sometimes it is simply a matter of how they experience aging, which they take to mean they no longer have a future. but often, due to circumstances or wrongful decisions and actions by others, what they hoped to accomplish in life they did not...much of the distress of these people comes from a failure to realize that their life lies before them...the life that lies endlessly before us in the kingdom of God. 

-dallas willard 

remember when i wrote this post a few weeks ago? to sum up the post for those who didn't read it, i was basically writing complaining about being stuck in a rut. i mentioned how my daily life can feel suffocating and how i'm unsatisfied at times with nothing to look forward to, nothing to anticipate. yikes. how depressing, right? if you didn't read it, be glad you missed the sob fest. 

but, ever since then, i've continued to think about it. why am i waiting for the next big thing and not enjoying the now? why, even when good things are happening, do i still have a longing for something more? why do i feel lonely even when i have the most supportive friends? why? why? why? 

as a christian, the answer should have been more obvious to me. not to get all theological on you, but i have to remind myself that i was not made to be completely fulfilled in this world. i was made to be satisfied with Christ and, until i am in His presence, i will always have longings and desires that won't be met with what the world offers. it's like i have a hole in my heart that nothing else but God can fill. blech, super cheesy. i cringed when i wrote that. but it's true. it's the best explanation for why i still feel unfulfilled even when things are good in my life.

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i believe God created beautiful, wonderful things in this world for us to enjoy. he created us to be relational beings which is why we find great pleasure in friendships and romantic relationships. he instilled in us a sense of adventure which is why we like to take trips and discover new cities and explore nature. he created us to laugh and sing and be joyful with what we have here, but, all that being said, this world is temporary. as much as this world has to offer, i'm not home yet. it's an encouraging truth.

"but there's far more to life for us. 

we're citizens of high heaven! 

we're waiting the arrival of the Savior, 

the Master, Jesus Christ, 

who will transform our earthy bodies 

into glorious bodies like His own. 

He'll make us beautiful and whole 

with the same powerful skill 

by which He is putting everything as it should be, 

under and around Him." 

-philippians 3:20-21

hope floats

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i always think incipent miracles surround us, waiting only to see if our faith is strong enough. we won't have to understand it; it will just work, like a beating heart, like love. really, no matter how frightened and discouraged i may become about the future, i look forward to it...i don't think i'm the only one. why else would the phrase "everything's all right" ease a deep and troubled place in so many of us? we just don't know, we never know so much, yet we have such faith. we hold our hands over our hurts and lean forward, full of yearning and forgiveness. it is how we keep on, this kind of hope.

- from talk before sleep by elizabeth berg